Girls are looking for "good guys."  What is a good guy?  A good guy is a guy that has his stuff together, he's responsible, dependable and owns his faith.  In my young adult communities I work in, there are incredible women who love Jesus but there seems to be a shortage of dudes who will “man-up” and be the spiritual leaders they have it in them to be.  I know shame, cultural issues, lack of role models and other factors play into that for us guys.  But guys, you have the potential to have an incredible girl out there and she is not only waiting for you but is and has been praying for you even though she's never met you.  I’ve been married 18 years and I couldn’t be more excited and in love with my girl.  It just gets better over time.  And you’re thinking, “I want that.  How do I get that?”


The dating scene can be scary.  The courtship scene even scarier and probably and even more awkward.  Finding the right person can be nerve-wracking but it's is possible and it doesn't have to be an episode of New Girl gone bad.  This post is speaking to guys (but girls feel free to read along and provide your input).  So guys, to attract a girl, it starts with your personality (bonus for humor), make her feel at ease and get comfortable with you, get her to believe you’re a trustworthy guy and then finally ask for a commitment from her.


Let’s break down these 3 phases:


First:  Get An Attractive Personality

She’s ultimately going to be attracted to a genuine guy who is relaxed and at ease with himself. Wearing a mask is a waste of time. Even if she’s initially attracted to a mask you wear, will she be attracted when she discovers the real you?  The real you will always show itself in time so be comfortable being you.  What are some words that you think define "you?"  Write them down.  What are some words that do not define you...write them down as well.  Then find the opposite of that word.  Put them both down next to each other and see how you resonate with it and help you build them into questions that help you decipher who you are.   Here are a few thoughts to get you going:  


Am I creative or linear?

Am I energetic or contemplative?

Am I dreamer or realist?

Am I a people-person or a recluse?


These extremes because then it compels you to lean in one direction or the other to help you decide who you might be.  Even though you’re young, be committed to find out who you are.  Oh, and permission to change over time.  You are not cemented into these attributes but finding a few words that help you define your personality.


News Flash:  you aren’t going to be perfect and neither is she. Each one of us can use some fine-tuning, but wouldn't it be amazing to meet someone who simply likes you for you?  When you choose to be you and are unafraid to be you, eventually find the right girl who will appreciate you for exactly who you are at this moment in time.  


Funny dudes seem to have a greater chance of winning over the jacked dude (put the protein shakes down, fellas!)  And here’s the good news:  you have a sense of humor.  What makes you laugh could make her laugh…that’s how you can decipher if she’s a fit.  Not everything has to match on the humor scale, but as you are being yourself on the date, use your own humor and see how she reacts.  Nicolas Gueguen conducted a study that showed girls are three times more likely to give their number to a guy who tells jokes over the guy who doesn’t. Some guys will use a “cocky and funny approach,” throwing out lines such as, “you look exactly like my future girlfriend” (very 2000 and late). When a guy combines humor with a perceived confidence, he’s catering to the very two characteristics girls find highly attractive. 



Second:  Be Comfortable To Be Around

The comfort phase develops trust.  It is all about getting to know her and gaining her trust…so become a good conversationalist.  Find out what she is about.  Be authentic and vulnerable with who you are and what you are passionate about.  Have your own set of questions you’ve designed to discover her passions and find common ground, but I like the simplicity of three questions (from John Maxwell actually…your dating coach apparently, whaaat?):


What do you dream about?


What do you sing about?


What do you cry about?


These questions will help you start to have conversation over time to discover her goals, her passions, and what makes her truly happy. Finding common ground will make her more comfortable with you.  The question, "What’s your favorite video game?" … is probably not a good question to lead with unless you are dating a gamer, just FYI). But in case you need more questions to get you going on your date coming up, here are a few to get you thinking on your first few dates:


What do you do, and how long have you been doing it?

Where are you originally from?

Where did you go to school?

What was/is your major?

What do you like to do when you’re not working?

Are you more of a TV person, or do you prefer movies?

What type of music are you into?

Have you traveled anywhere cool lately/do you have any trips coming up?

Have you read any good books recently?

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Do you have any siblings?

If you could be any person for a day, who would it be?

Where else would you consider living?

What’s on your bucket list?

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Do you ever cook?

Do you like your job? What do you want to do next?

What’s your social life like? Do you have a big group of friends?

Do you consider yourself career-driven?

What are you most passionate about?


Trust is built by showing her you are a genuinely easy to be around. If you're awkward, then she's awkward.  So be cool, be you and have fun.  Don't make it bigger than what it is.  You are two rational human beings out together enjoying each other's company.  So take the pressure off, man.  Psychologist Geoffrey Miller says, “attractive bodies may elicit short-term desire, but attractive moral traits can inspire long-term love.” While a true moral man reveals himself over time, she’s going to look for, even if subconsciously, characteristics and actions that show you’re a strong man within.

Also, trust can also be established with touch (and am hearing guys around the world saying, AMEN).  Did you know hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that promotes happiness, security, and trust?  Did I just give you permission to ask your girl for a hug? Maybe....


Third:  Commit, Bro

While jerks attract and develop comfort and trust for the purpose of taking a girl to bed, the "good guy" is not interested in getting her in the sack. How could any guy conscientiously portray himself as a moral and virtuous man to use his investment for selfish and shameless game? Committed men don’t have to live with strings of regret and shame, and this may be why they live longer, make more money, and have more intimacy.  Commitment doesn’t mean you're getting married but iit does mean you are going to be exclusive with just her.  Girls expect good guys to ask the questions, be clear and lead the way in setting the parameters on the relationship.  If she’s a fit, if you will like being around her and if you want to spend more time with her... then commit.

I'm not trying to push commitment.  Commitment to be in a relationship with someone is a big deal and you have to take it into consideration.  Some guys know that it's right but choose to "keep their options open in case something 'better' comes along."  Not healthy or smart.  But you know when it's right and when it just "clicks" ... so give it a shot.  Don't overspiritualize it or overemphasize it.  Simply make the choice to say, "I like you.  We seem to have a great time when we get together. I think there could be something more here so let's see what we could be...."  There is a lack of commitment in our relationship culture and that's true.  It's easy to sleep around, have friends with benefits, etc.  I'm simply asking for guys to stop making it difficult on themselves and on the girls they are with and start saying yes to being simply exclusive with their significant other and see what happens.  

At the end of the day, being the right person is more important than finding the right person.  So you be the you God has called you to be and it won't take long for the girl of your dreams to be standing right in front of you.



Anything here you would add?