We place a lot of emphasis on the word “attractive” when it comes to dating relationships. Of course we would. In a culture that is very image conscious and appearance-driven, it’s easy to make that a priority when it comes to the person you want to date.
As guys, we want to be attractive. It’s not just a girl thing. We want to be noticed. Some guys workout. Some guys join a band or become a fan of a band. Some guys buy a motorcycle or a car, make it pristine and take the muffler off so that it sounds like they are driving something from the NASA space program. Some guys express it through fashion and style. Some guys surround themselves with “their boys” so that their popularity is what others notice. Some guys express it with titles and the success of their career.
Wanting to be desired and noticed is normal. But here’s what we don’t realize guys: Our desire to be attractive to women sabotages us. We think we are being inviting and enticing but we are disenchanting girls, good girls, because we don’t know how to act.
Girls want a Good Guy. If you haven’t checked out my last post, The Good Guy Dating Life Part 1, check it out. In that post we defined briefly what a good guys is: A good guy is a guy that is dependable, capable, has his stuff together and owns his faith. So here’s my challenge to guys:
Stop trying to be attractive to women and
start being responsible with women.
To be responsible means that you are honest, capable, trustworthy, engaged and constrained. These are words that aren't just words that would make your parents or your boss proud to use in a sentence, but these are words that are actually attractive to the opposite sex.
How To Stop Being Irresponsible With Women:
QUIT "Just GoING To Church" With Your Girlfriend
Here’s a newsflash: Just because you go to church with your girlfriend doesn’t mean you are the Godly man of her dreams. I know many dudes where the only spiritual dialogue they have is when they say, “Good sermon, huh?” and then their girl never hears them talk about God until next Sunday. Guys... not attractive. She wants you to take responsibility in the relationship by engaging with her more than 2 minutes a week because your “good game” err-I mean, “good sermon” shoutouts aren't going to cut it. Sorry men, the girl of your dreams are sayin, “Ain’t got time for that!” She wants you to be praying with her that doesn’t mean every day; guys so don’t get freaked out. I’m not talking about as part of your date you have “a time of intercession for the nations.” (Unless you are into that sort of thing …then you do you, missionary dude.) But simply take a moment when you are together to pray and make it quick, to the point and sincere. Many guys feel the need to not be “too spiritual” and that is absurd. Don’t you realize guys, what girls find sexy about you is that you actually do pray? Girls find you attractive, when you “go for God in worship” and when you talk about what you read in your devotional time yesterday. Ladies can I get a witness? One of the most attractive parts of your life is your spiritual life to women. So flex your prayer muscles. Do crunches and memorize verses to get a freaking Scripture 6-pack (“God [crunch] so loved [crunch] that he gave [crunch] His only son [crunch]…” your new workout routine? Yup. You’re welcome.). Talk about what “God is speaking to you” so she knows you hear from God and knows you are relying on God’s plan for your life. Be responsible with your spiritual life, son.
Stop Letting Her Set The Sexual Boundaries In the Relationship because that starts with you
It couldn’t be more irresponsible for you to not have a plan when it comes to what happens sexually in a relationship. Guys can get this in their heads that they know they have it in them to push the boundaries sexually. So they choose to hold back unless the girl gives them slack in that area. If the guy senses he can go farther, he typically does. In the end, it’s the girls giving the guy permission. But what the guy doesn’t understand is she wants you to set the boundary. She is wanting you to know how far is too far so she doesn’t have to play defense…she’s expecting you to. If you are “man enough” to be in a relationship then that means being “man enough” to say no to things that could hurt the relationship. As guys we don’t know our own strength sometimes. I had a brother growing up and we loved each other. But that meant we also played hard together. We would “roughhouse” and there were times I didn’t know I was hurting him because as the older brother I was playing too rough and didn’t realize it because I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. As guys, sometimes we don’t know when we are hurting something because we don’t’ know our own strength sometimes. So when I say, “don’t hurt the relationship,” that means be aware of your surroundings and protect the relationship. Guys, be self-aware. Know what’s going on around you so you aren’t just “in the moment” all the time. So many guys just “go with what feels right” in a relationship. Listen up: You can’t be led by just your feelings. You have to be smart. Being smart in a relationship means you have to have your “head in the game.” I mean it. You have to know ahead of time, how this relationship is going to move, ebb and flow. You call the shots. You set the tone. Then talk about it with her. She’s not in charge of what you do sexually in the relationship…you are. So protect her. Care for her. Show her you can be trusted. If you don’t have a game plan, here are some Scriptures to get you started on being responsible:
1 Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
Song of Solomon 2:7 ("do not awaken love before the right time”)
Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
James 1:13-15 (temptation is to be taken very seriously)
Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul's good; don't look to please self)
Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self ... value what's good to their souls)
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as family and with absolute purity)
Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)
DON'T BE "THat GUY" WHO AVOIDS the Hard Conversations BUT BE "THE GUY" WHO Actually TalkS With Her
When it gets hard in sports we push through. When it gets hard in class, we just do the work. When it gets hard at our jobs, we just push through and get it done. When it gets hard in our relationships…we bail. Why is that? As guys we don’t’ know how to communicate with girls. It’s just that simple. Guys can’t multi-task (especially if there’s a TV on in the room somewhere). Guys love video games and we would much rather play video games than talk with you about our feelings. It’s just being a dude. But that doesn’t mean that’s our excuse for being able to not talk about the real issues. In a culture of man-caves, it’s time for the guy to come out of the man-cave…for good. Be a bro, with your bro’s with your bro-tien shake and bro tank it all the way to John Cena’s house…that’s fine. But guys stop barricading yourself in your man cave and only coming out when you want to or when you need a woman. Harsh but true. The girl of your dreams needs you to communicate. And it’s hard. And you won’t like it sometimes. But you need it. She needs it. And it will make you a better boyfriend, husband and father. You have to learn to have the hard discussions. And not just have them, but also start the conversation. If the relationship is going south, then address it. If you like her, then ask her out. If you are stuck in an addiction, then get accountability and stick to it. If you can’t do it anymore, then lose your pride and have a conversation with a mentor. If you don’t like your dad, then get counsel from someone you trust and love who has a wake of healthy relationships. Hard conversations are good for us in the end. But you have to stop avoiding them. You have to engage. Build a lifestyle of talking it out now, because a guy who can “talk about things” is a guy that is attractive to a girl. Not just attractive but extremely hot, FYI. So be responsible and have the hard conversations…you won’t regret it.